Don’t despair; it’s not too late to turn your life around! Well, unless you are really old (like 30); in that case I suggest alcohol. If you are still a useful member society (under 30), I gathered some life tips that without a doubt change your life in such a deep and profound way, you won’t even notice!

So with all that said and down, now it’s time to seat down, lean back, open your mind, scratch your tummy, cluck like a chicken and read this pearls of wisdom:

1. Every morning smile to your mirror, but why stop there? Smile to your kitchen table, to your living room sofa and to your iron board. Beware, don’t smile to your dishwasher it may take it as provocation.

2. Always put your smile on. People will assume you are a crazy person and won’t mess with you.

3. Be kind to others, send me money.

4. Live every day like it is your last.Crawl into a corner and cry.

5. Live every day to the fullest. When going to the bathroom take a newspaper!

6. Drinking is not a solution, unless we are talking about alcohol.

7. Better to give, than to receive (true only on case of infections).

8. Clothes don’t make the man, but being naked will get you arrested.

9. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, put all of then in the fridge they will last longer.

10. Remember everybody makes mistakes, and you will have the opportunity to laugh on them.

11. Always follow your dreams; just be sure to check that Pamela Anderson is also on board.

12. Give a man a fish and he might take it the wrong way…

13. Honesty is the best policy, at least that what Pamela always telling me.

14. Time is money. Stop reading stupid articles!

Boaz Ben-Dov is really… something. Visit and be a part of his revolutionary funny website!

Just try out these great recipes:

DEAD WHITE GUY GINGER ALE

Glass: A Clay Bowl Stolen from Native Americans (by dead white conquistadors)

Ingredients:

1 Part Vodka (a colorless ingredient symbolizing white European oppression)
3 Parts Ginger Ale (containing blood-thirsty, intolerant, white supremacist sugar)
A Splash of White Wine (reminiscent of Napoleonic French imperialism)
A Splash of Lemon-Lime Juice (made from fruit hand-picked by indentured servants)
A Dash of Sugar (due to safety concerns, no brown sugar allowed)

Instructions: While attending a college seminar on multiculturalism, with an emphasis on Native American, Afro-centric lesbian poetry, combine ingredients in a clay bowl stolen from Native Americans. Consume on Columbus Day while attacking white males who have the audacity to continue to breathe.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of Christopher Columbus – a capitalist, European bigot responsible for the death and murder of eighty trillion pacifist, nature-loving Native Americans (and a man whose lone accomplishment was the “discovery” of someone else’s backyard).

Special Warning: Under no circumstances should you add brown sugar to this adult beverage, as it is sure to be ravaged and destroyed by the racist, imperialist, homophobic white sugar already present in the ginger ale.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION AMBROSIA

Glass: A Measuring Cup (to ensure precise fulfillment of quotas)

Ingredients:

0 Parts Light Rum (using light rum is insensitive to minority rums)
3 Parts Dark Rum (to rectify the past injustice of rampant light rum preferences)
3 Parts Soda (cola is preferred over a lighter soda, such as Sprite)
Quotas That Aren’t “Quotas” (except that they really are quotas)

Instructions: While throwing an “affirmative action bake sale” on a local college campus, or campi (the preferred EIB plural form for those of you in Rio Linda), combine ingredients in a measuring cup. Consume while labeling as “racist” any of your friends or companions who dare to add light rum to their favorite adult beverages.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of government-sanctioned discrimination. Make sure that you don’t add light rum to this adult beverage when dark rum is available instead. Failure to do so may result in court-ordered sensitivity training.

Special Note: A firm supporter of government-sanctioned discrimination, the NAALCP (National Association for the Advancement of Liberal Colored People) dreams of the day when prohibition will be re-instituted in America – with only “light” rum banished from the shores of the United States.

P.S. Forward this page to 15,067 Rush Limbaugh fans in the next 7 minutes or you will be stricken with eight agonizing years of a Hillary Clinton presidency and/or the appointment of Ted “The Swimmer” Kennedy as your designated driver!

Britt Gillette is author of The Dittohead’s Guide to Adult Beverages (Regnery 2005).